Do you have any cousins?

(sometimes Devil Anse is tapu's screen name)

Tapu is asked this because of having no siblings.

The answer is that Tapu has 61 known first cousins and first-cousins-once-removed, along with a huge number of unknown first-cousins-once-removed, born to 29 other first cousins.

That could easily add up to, like, 60 more cousins.... Is that even possible?? To have over 100 first-order cousins??

Well, regardless, you couldn't call us close....



Aunts/Uncles                  1st Cousins                  1st Cousins Once Removed

wilson (agnes)--------------| sandra----------------------------------1


helen (alva)
                                          | terry------------------------------------2
                                          | marsha---------------------------------1
tommy (martha)------------| tommy greg---------------------------2
                                          | jill---------------------------------------1
                                          | john howard---------------------------3

                                          | kathy------------------------------------3
jeanette (donald)-----------| durinda----------------------------------2
                                          | jan---------------------------------------2

dave (nancy)----------------| judy--------------------------------------2
                                          | ken---------------------------------------2

tice
    |---------------------------- tapu (eme)---------------------------- asa
mary belle


bill (maisey)----------------|   2 known---------------------|   # unknown

donald (various)------------|   # unknown -----------------|   # unknown

bobby (sue)-----------------|   4 known---------------------|   # unknown

ethel (husband)-------------|  5 known---------------------|   # unknown

lucy (husband)--------------|  3 known---------------------|   # unknown

eileen (homer)--------------|  5 known---------------------|   # unknown
(I know the 5 cousins' names: Ronnie, Donnie, Lonnie, Punkin, Valerie.
I don't know if Punkin has another name.... He's always been Punkin.)

nellie (lee)-------------------|  1 known---------------------|   # unknown

millie (charles)--------------|  1 known---------------------|   # unknown

margaret (lew)---------------|  3 known---------------------|   # unknown

erma (gene)------------------|  3 known---------------------|   # unknown

carol sue (jim)---------------|  2 known---------------------|   # unknown

¡Super Flor!

Asa and his doll, Abene

When Asa was, oh, maybe a couple of months old, we were introduced to a woman who had cared for our friends' children. Their kids had grown into daycare and out of needing full-time care at home. With a new baby we agreed to go half time with them.

   Flor came from Guatemala. She spoke very little English, which was fine with me because Asa would learn some Spanish while she was with us. Asa didn't pick up much after all, but my Spanish became polished. Better than when I lived in Mexico. Perq!

   Flor was part of our family for 10 years. She was a grandma to Asa. The photo shows Flor playing with Asa and her granddaughter, Josie, at a water park in Guatemala. We became part of Flor's family, too.

   Asa reminds us about Super Flor's magical abilities. If all we had in the house was oatmeal, baking soda, and half a bottle of vinegar, she could whip up a chicken dinner.

   We moved to Portland, Asa went to school, and though Flor would come up on the bus from Boston to be with us a few days at a time—and to whip up chicken dinners out of magic dust—eventually she got on with a new family in Boston. We haven't seen her for about two years now. Life's so busy. 

Funny how people pass in and out of your life. . . .

I feel like crying.

I miss Lazarus.

Remember falls? The big wigs of the 70s?
Not big as in up; big as in down. Fall, get it?

In the 70s, before there was a Wal-Mart culture that trapped us into one-stop shopping, my family and a few other families would drive every December to Lazarus (great name!) Dept Store in Wheeling to shop for Christmas.

There'd be, like, 3 moms, 3 dads, and maybe 8-9 kids. We'd go in two cars. It was before safety.

One year, on a whim, the three moms bought themselves falls. Then they ran outside Lazarus to the big intersection where the dads and us kids were supposed to swing by and pick them up.

It was raining like a sumbitch and everything was flying around. We kept driving around that big city block, looking for them, looking for them.

Suddenly my mom—I think! But she had long hair!—threw herself at the car and we all went, Oh my! There's the women now!

They got in with their big new hair streaming and sticking all over their faces. You can bet our own hair was sticking straight up on end. They were mad we hadn't recognized them. Geez, what'd they expect?

Overheard Driving Around San Diego

Would you just looky there.

That's so pretty, it almost looks artificial.

—my hillbilly family commenting on a California sunset
.
.
.

Takes a Village, #3

Of all the children who have come into and out of my life, Mariah is the hardest to write about. Oh, Mariah herself is a wonderful child. She was much easier to parent than a lot of children would have been given the circumstances. What makes it hard to write about her hinges on how she came to live with us.

When I was little, I was practically raised with a boy named Drew. His family and my family went on every vacation together. We all crowded into one car each Christmas to go shopping at Lazarus department store. We spent our weekends together in family activities. Drew and I were like brother and sister, or at least first cousins. He was the brightest, funniest, most charming boy: everyone loved him.

We were also each other’s sexual “first.” Our parents were a little late in realizing we were too old to sleep in the same room. Drew and I were always just friends, but with the most comfortable closeness I ever knew in my childhood. We had “casual sex” before it became the national pastime.

Once we grew up, Drew and I had little contact. Our lives were far flung, in lifestyle and geographically. While I was a graduate student, Drew was a laborer. That kind of far flung.

Drew had a little girl with a woman he was later divorced from. The mother was in prison for drugs and Drew had full custody of their daughter. I had a little boy with my partner. Drew and I saw each other’s children only once, when we were all back home for Christmas. The kids were toddlers: my son, Asa, and Drew’s daughter, Mariah.

A few years went by. One day I got a call from my father. He had shocking news. Numbing, nauseating news:
 
Drew had been charged with child molestation and pandering underage porn. He’d had sex with Mariah’s 14 year old babysitter, and he’d filmed it.

I can still feel the shock and the grief. You know how, when you hear something like that about a stranger, you think that scum, that sub-human, a monster like that deserves to die. Well, let me tell you:  it is a different feeling when you love the person involved. It is waves of confusion and complexity. Denial is the only refuge.

And there was Mariah, 6 years old. She stayed with her grandma, and then an aunt, and then a second cousin. When Drew’s trial was over, I asked if they’d send her to me. I wanted to make sure she heard good stories about her daddy. I figured I had more of those stories than anyone. Drew figured I did, too, and signed the paperwork.

Drew was sentenced to 24 years. I’m not sure what “hard time” means exactly, but that sounds like it to me. While Mariah lived here in Maine, we would fly  to Ohio to visit Drew in prison. I don’t know if I can capture the tension of those visits. We were there for 6 hours. Come in at 9; go through a degrading search; no one out ‘til 3. An open room with fixed tables and chairs. A hundred people with disheartening stories sitting in that stark, gleaming room all day. Mothers trying to keep their children from running around. One of the dozens of rules: Inmates are not allowed to touch visitors in any way... so, no hugging when you see them. Try explaining that to his daughter. You stand feet apart and say, “Hello!” and “I’m so glad to see you!” and he says, “Thanks for coming. Thanks for bringing her,” and starts to cry.

I just realized—that
little thang is wearing
MY jacket!

Mariah was with us in Maine for two years. She had been held back a grade the year she shuffled from relative to relative, but she thrived in a new atmosphere. We didn’t do anything special. I remember thinking, gah, it takes so little to keep a child feeling stable and happy and safe--how come it’s so often not done?

At the end of the second school year here, at age 10, Mariah decided to go back to family and be closer to Daddy. I’m ashamed to admit that I felt released from a heavy burden. 

It is hard to raise another person’s child. I don’t mean if you’ve adopted; but when they have a fall-back position, things get sticky. For the child, someone else should be in charge. Not you, who have made an unfavorable decision. And poor Mariah--she desperately wanted Daddy to come back so she could just live with him again. I heard "Daddy would never do that," so many times that I was afraid I'd respond. 

But in the end, we made it through and at the very least, Mariah was away from the small town back home long enough for people not to think of what Drew had done every time they saw her.

Mariah called me after she had been back home a while and said, “Mama, thank you so much for teaching me manners. None of the kids here have any!” I tell that story a lot.